Where Did That Come From?

This morning Brian and I were enjoying a quiet morning. Somehow we started talking about jewelry and I was reminded of how my grandmother was ALWAYS done up. I don't remember a day where Grandma D didn't have her hair done, her make up perfect, her nails polished and jewelry to match her outfit! Growing up I just thought she was crazy but as I have grown into a woman I have come to appreciate all the effort she put into her appearance! This is nothing new...

However this morning I caught myself saying "I am just sad that I don't have a..." I stopped myself before I could finish but Brian was not going to let the conversation end there! As tears started streaming down my face, he asked me to finish. I sat and thought for a few minutes trying to figure out what just happened and wondering wher that came from. I then realized that my heart is aching and I didn't even realize it!

I told Brian that I truly am thankful for my three young men and consider it a privilege and blessing to be raising these young men! I am so thankful that our family name is going to carry on through them! Blessed is exactly how I feel to have them in my life! And I wouldn't change a single day with them!

But as I sat there I searched my heart and discovered things I didn't know I was harboring. I am sad that I don't have a little girl to watch grow up and to teach her to be a good Mommy and a good wife! Sad that I don't have a little girl to teach how to cook and how to match up her jewelry. Sad that I don't have a little girl to take out for manicures and tea! And honestly, I am feeling duped! I am not discontent... just feeling like I am missing something.

I always wanted a little girl and I thought that is was because I wanted to dress her in all pink and put adorable pink bows in her hair. But I guess my desire is for so much more.

For at least the last 8 years I have had a desire to adopt a little girl from China. When I shared my desire with Brian he told me that he was not interested. He shared that sometimes feels like he doesn't get enough time with our boys as it is right now, so he didn't feel it was fair to bring another child into our house. I completely understood but as a married and united couple I couldn't understand how we could have such opposite desires. I think I would have a house full of kids if I could!!

About 4 years ago I prayed that the Lord would unite us. I begged God to either give Brian the same passion or take my desire away. I have not even seen a spark in Brian so I have resolved to the idea that this adoption will not happen. I thought I had accepted this fact! I thought I was OK with it! I thought I would be OK raising my boys and vowing to be a loving and accepting mother-in-law. I thought that I could just wait until my precious sons give me some grandgirlies! I thought I was OK.... I really did! Until this morning when I was flooded with all kinds of emotions that I honestly didn't know I had.

My precious husband just stared at me with his jaw open! There sat his wife, a blubbering mess rambling on and on. I don't think he knew what to say or do to comfort me so he just smiled at me and that gave me the assurance that I WILL be OK! And I WILL!! I am content with my family! I LOVE them dearly! I cherish every moment with them!!

So, I now know where that came from!